Tuesday, 20 March 2007

Pub Crawl Massacre: Part Two

Drunk Girl was happy. She was always happy. She was always self assured. She was feeling particularly smug this evening. She had just purchased the latest Jack Wills joggers and knew that the others would be jealous. Having just showered she checked herself out in the mirror. Pretty blonde hair (she knew it was pretty) and the new joggers were nicely complemented by her suede boots. She gave herself a youthful smile.

The doorbell rang.

"Hi eeeeeeeee"

They had all turned up at once. She hadn't expected them quite so early. Bunny, Lolly and Esther had shared the taxi and all turned up together. Her halls were nicer than their's.

"I'll get the Bolly"

They weren't listening. The O.C. was on. She gave them all a glass of champagne and lay back into her black leather sofa.

"What time we meeting the boys?" Someone asked.

"Harts. About 7 o'clock I think."

"Alright I'll just do my hair" said Lolly. She dissapeared into the bathroom to emerge 15 minutes later. Each strand of hair having been painstakingly arranged for that just got up look.

In a room directly below them Drunk Boy was also feeling smug. He had recently procured some Rohypnol. He looked at the bottle "Flunitrazepam". Yep. Thats the shit. Tonight Drunk Girl would be his.

His sly mind was ticking over, deceptive cogs turned cunning little wheels....

Pub golf. Everyones gonna be wasted. Loads of chances for me to drop it into her glass. Giggaddy.

Suddenly there was a commotion outside his front door. Easy! They must be here and had a few bevees on the way over. Drunk Boy plastered on his fake smile.

"Oi Oi" greated him as he lifted the latch.

It was Benedict, his collar on his rugby shirt was turned up and spittle was flying from his gob. Jonty and Toby in similar attire followed close behind. Benedict was shouting. He was a big guy and Drunk Boy was worried he was gonna break something as he stumbled into the lounge. His big foot landed worringly close to Drunk Boy's new Kaiser Chiefs CD case. Toby tripped over his pink baggy golf trousers so that his 80s tennis sun visor plopped onto the sofa. Benedict promptly sat on it.

"Easy does it Dick".

"Lighten up dude, have some of this". He passed Toby and Drunk Boy each a can of ready mixed gin and tonic.

"Wheres mine you bastard?" demanded Jonty.

"Where are my manners?" said Benedict

"Ledge"

Benedict opened another can of G & T, cleared his throat loudly and spat into it before passing it to Jonty.

"Wanker" said Jonty and looking Benedict in the eye downed it anyway. All of them pissed themselves with laughter.

"Best go and meet the girls in a bit."

They called a taxi to Harts bar.

3 comments:

Mr Axl said...

THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!

Pipsywoo said...

Your really not a fan of Jack Willis are you? And here I was thinking you were first in cue when the shop opened on the High Street, some time ago.

Keep up the good work...
Some of my ex-colleagues (when we all used to work at the Zod) and I were thinking about massacring everyone who attended Fuzzy's by either bombing the building, sniper on the stage or poisioning the vodka?! We were undecided.

schmemma said...

oh dear lord..the suspense is killing me..bravo, james, bravo..