Saturday, 19 May 2007

Pub Crawl Massacre: Part Eight

Joss was driving quickly. She was angry at Michael, lying to her like that. She also knew that Michael could be dangerous when he stopped taking his pills. Impatiently she sounded her horn, the car in front failed to notice the green light.

"Fucks sake" she yelled at the dashboard and rubber squealed when she accelerated.


Drunk girl was undergoing an experience she hadn't had since being a toddler. Without warning, as she was preparing to dismount from the pool stool, she felt something warm flow down her leg. She noticed the expressions of the people in the pool room change. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. She ran to the toilet, thankfully it was empty. She couldn't believe it. She felt slightly ashamed but also confused. Was she ill? She didn't know what was going on.

Drunkboy scratched his head. Surely rohypnol wasn't meant to do that. He wondered what state Drunk Girl was in and pondered going home.

The table erupted with conversation but nobody knew exactly what had happened. From their perspective the grinning Drunk Girl leapt from her stool and made a beeline for the toilet. Through the commotion Bunny rose from the table, some instinct made her realise that Drunk Girl's actions were probably connected with her recent experience. Bunny headed towards the toilet after Drunk Girl, determined to work out what was happening.

Drunk Girl was pulling herself together. Flat denial would be the only way to approach this. She pondered going comando style. There was a knock on the cubicle door.

"Its Bunny, er you OK?"

Saturday, 12 May 2007

Peppers burgers.

I heard a disturbing rumour t'other day. Grab hold of something sturdy and try to maintain control of primitive bodily functions. This is a biggy. Ready? You'll have to scroll down. (I've done this to a create an element of surprise).

Peppers burgers is going to close.

Rub your eyes. You can read that again. Yes. It still said the same thing.

If you eat meat and live in Oxford I shall give you another minute to let full impact of this monumental information sink in. Steadied? Smelling salts help? Try them, they might. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Oxford then I had better explain that Peppers Burgers is an institution. Look at the number reviews on the daily information website. The majority of local eateries nobody has bothered to review, with the exception of maybe the owner's brother or business partner. Peppers have got tonnes of fanatical fans. One guy says that he makes a special trip to Oxford when he comes to the UK just to go to there, another that its the best burger in Europe. I believe them. I've eaten there.

So you'll understand that I really hope the closure of Peppers is just malicious propaganda distributed by Islamic extremists to bring down the moral of our nation in an attempt to thwart the war on terror. That is the magnitude of the situation. Peppers is the only decent burger in town. They have a proper choice of sauces. (Blue cheese and white shark chili being my personal favourite combo). Fuck BK or Maccy D's and although delicious as Tootsies is, you need to remortgage your house to eat there. Peppers have got it right.

If anyone could provide evidence to substantiate or deny this ghastly rumour it would definitely settle my nerves. Which is good for moral. If it is proven then I suggest forming some sort of action group like "Save Our Burgers" (S.O.B.s) to fight the cause.

Stay classy Oxford and thanks for stopping by.